Monday, September 03, 2007

Wow, does anyone even still read this?

I think this is the first time I've been home in close to two months; the last time I was in the bay area was 7/12 I think, except for a brief night layover in Aug, though I don't exactly remember. Walking outside of SFO, aside from the 10-degree cooler wind, I'm not sure exactly what "home" is to me anymore. While I would like to say that "home" is wherever I am, and I'd like to think that I'm adaptable enough that I should just be able to shrug it off, it does nonetheless feel odd. I don't quite feel home - but then I'm not exactly sure what home is supposed to feel like. I'm back in my room, though the bed feels strangely alien. I look at my room, at the pile of accumulated mail, and it feels eerily familiar yet distant. I go downstairs to boil some ramen, since I really don't feel like eating out, despite being hungry from the crappy food. Maybe I'm just tired from being "out", though "out" would imply there is some "place" to be "out" of, no?

I'm sure there are plenty of people who fly around all the time like I do, who make strange, remote hotels their homes for months on end. The consultants, ibankers, PEers of the world, many of my friends actually. I'm sure many of us are strong, resilient, adaptable; we make friends where we are, learn the local scene, explore the new city, try strange food, and we can check off another city in our been-there, done-that list. I'd like to think I am too, yet the longer I spent away, each time I come back it feels a little stranger. When I decided to move back to the Bay last year, I was so excited because I thought I would be coming home; as close to a "home" as there would be for me anyways, since no where is really home. It hasn't quite felt like that. It's been great, I've reconnected w/ some friends, and the environment is definitely familiar, but it's not quite the homecoming I expected. Obviously everyone is older and we're all taking our different paths now, but it's nonetheless been more remote than expected. Of course Taipei doesn't feel like home either. It's great, I'm really getting to know it and like it better, but it doesn't feel like a place I see myself living in. I sometimes wonder how John does it, whether Beijing or Seattle feels like home to him. Perhaps having your own place helps.

And next year? I don't quite think I've mentally prepared myself to move to Beijing yet. Shanghai, yes. But BJ? That was not what I expected, though things are where they are now. I do think I'll look forward to exploring a new city, yet at the same time this wasn't what I planned. I had never envisioned going to BJ, and I guess maybe it won't be as comfortable or glamorous as Shanghai, but maybe it will be interesting. Regardless, I'm sure I'll learn a lot.


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And I feel like I've gone through a mini relationship (could I call it that?) within these few weeks, at least some of the similar type of drama. The excitement of ambiguity, the highs and lows, the arguing, the inevitable reality and acceptance of reality, and the aftermath. I sometimes am not quite even sure why I like her - it feels a bit irrational. She's not exactly the type I've liked before, though there are things that really endear her to me. That said, I can't quite bring myself to do what I need to do - road to a women's heart is littered w/ the bodies of many nice and sweet guys, and I'd like to avoid becoming yet another one. I would like to just flip a switch and be that cocky, funny, aloof guy that every men's rag tells you to be, yet it feels like going against nature to me. Funny and cocky, yeah, that's not too hard. Aloof is where I find real difficulty - it's hard to stay away when I genuinely want to know how her day was or what she's feeling, or seeing a trinket that reminded me of her. Yet this desire for open myself up and to be close will be the death of me, I'm sure. I think it's human nature to value what is difficult, and I've already made it too easy. Sigh. Well, I'm sure this month long break will end things very quickly as it should.

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Garry's recommended photography books came today - I'm excited. It's high time to get more serious about photography instead of posing around and shooting on probability. Time to get disciplined and stop dicking around. And to start another project too. I think the thing that's most disruptive about constant work travel is disrupting your personal time and rhythm. People always ask me whether the jetlag gets to me; actually, it doesn't bother me much anymore. I've gotten to the point where I can sleep almost anywhere, anytime. It's the social disruption that bothers me the most. The inevitable distancing from friends and lack of time to do my own thing that makes one tired of traveling. Well, I should be here for almost a month this time, hopefully I can do a thing or two on my own.